Why I Disappear Sometimes

If you're a regular reader, you may have noticed that I went radio silent for about six weeks from late April to early June. Normally, I would post a sentence or two about an impending hiatus. This time, however, I said nothing, because I didn't plan this break.

In the course of a typical blogging day, I try to write at least two posts, if not three or four, so I have a buffer zone in case my life gets hectic and I can't find the time to blog for a few weeks. So what you read may be a month old by the time it posts to my front page; this is why my more topical entries are often a bit out-of-date. And that's exactly what I did during the last go-round. The problem is, I stopped writing sometime in March.

I meant to blog in May. There were no matters so pressing that I could not find the time to do so. Instead, a crushing sense of futility descended upon me, and I gave up for a minute.

Given my anxiety and depression, this is not an unusual phenomenon. However, I work at overcoming it because I can't check out on my entire life. I have a job to do, appointments to keep, bills to pay. Yet something is bound to fall by the wayside, because the act of surviving can sap my energy to the point where all I want to do is hide under the covers.

This is why I disappear.

I call it clamping down: streamlining my activities and conversations to the point where I communicate with only a few people and do very little beside hope that no one will knock on my door and ask for something I'm not prepared to give.

At this point, I can't promise that I won't disappear again. At some time in the future, it will strike again: that weight. But for now, I'm back. Even if I don't have much to say, I'll keep writing. And I hope you'll keep reading.

-Cate-