Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Dear Diary

After using it for quite some time, I'm running out of pages in my diary. I wondered how long I've been utilizing this little green notebook, so I flipped to the front and checked the date: October 27, 2011 (coincidentally, Scott Weiland's 44th birthday). I re-read the first seven months' worth of entries, and for the first time, it struck me: I could track the decline in my mental health through those words.

I wrote about how overwhelmed I was, and mentioned that I was convinced I would break soon. On June 1, 2012, the entry I wrote crystallized the moment when I knew I wasn't okay: my handwriting resembles my own and does not--the basic shapes are there, but its lines are shaky and erratic; my words freak me out a little even now when I know I'm much better.

So I finally realize why diaries are useful. Yes, some of the entries are painful to read, not always because of the trauma but sometimes because of the mistakes and immaturity recorded. Yet because they capture moments when we are, perhaps, at our most confessional and open, these paragraphs can help us learn from the past. Not to get all Rafiki on you, but he was right when he taught us that while the past can hurt, "you can either run from it or learn from it."

Here's hoping I can take a few lessons from the words I felt compelled to write.


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